You’re not broken, you’re speaking a different language
I’d spent decades wondering why conversations that seemed effortless for others felt like I was translating in real time from a language I’d never been formally taught. I’d cry at John Lewis adverts, feel physically sick when someone near me was upset, and somehow still get labelled as cold or difficult to read. The disconnect was maddening. What finally clicked was understanding that empathy wasn’t a single skill. It was more like an emotional dialect, and I’d been speaking a different one all along. Empathy has become something of a buzzword in modern culture. CEOs want it. Schools teach it. Tech bros try to simulate it with AI. It’s held up as the golden ticket to better relationships, emotional intelligence, and being a good person. Despite all this attention, people still regularly mistake a polite smile for I’m fine and think let me know if you need anything counts as emotional support. (It can. Sometimes.) What is empathy? Why do some people seem to cry at commercials while others can’t tell you’re upset unless you’re actively on fire? And why do neurodivergent people often get accused of being cold, aloof, or bad at emotions when they might be drowning in them? I’ll share what empathy looks like from my lens, why it often fails, and what to do when people keep misreading you (or you them). Mostly because I feel misunderstood 100% of the time, and I suspect I’m not alone.
Three emotionally confused cousins, Sympathy, Empathy & Compassion
Imagine sympathy, empathy, and compassion as three cousins at a family gathering. They all care but only one actually helps you clean up.
Sympathy= the observing bystander
Definition: The art of seeing someone suffer… from a safe emotional distance
Example: Your friend says, “I’m really struggling.” You say, “That’s awful,” then text them a photo of your lunch
Vibe: Mild concern. Often well-meaning. Occasionally hollow
Psychology: Cognitive acknowledgement without emotional engagement
Empathy= the feeler & the thinker
Empathy comes in two flavours affective (feeling) & cognitive (understanding)
a) Affective empathy (the feeler)
Definition: You feel another’s emotions in your own body
Example: Someone cries, & suddenly your throat closes up like you’re the one who lost a pet
Caution: Burnout. Becoming a human sponge for other people’s suffering
This was me for years. I didn’t know where other people’s feelings ended & mine began. I took a many healing courses in my twenties I was desperate to learn how to stop absorbing everyone else’s pain. Turns out, being neurodiverse as well as highly sensitive isn’t a superpower when you have no off switch
b) Cognitive empathy (the thinker)
Definition: Understanding someone’s emotions through observation, analysis, or reasoning
Example: You notice your friend sighs more around their partner and piece together ah. Relationship tension
Caution: Using empathy like a cold tool (hello, manipulative Disney villain types)
Compassion = empathy with boots on
Definition: You notice someone is in pain, feel it just enough to care deeply, & then… do something useful (for them, not for you)
Example: You make a warm meal for your grieving friend and sit quietly without forcing conversation
Vibe: Empathy’s emotionally regulated, action-oriented sibling
Compassion is sustainable. It protects against burnout. It’s what every therapist, activist, parent, & exhausted NHS nurse secretly prays for
The Double Empathy Problem (aka why Neurodivergent & Neurotypical people keep misreading each other)
The double empathy problem, proposed by autistic scholar Dr. Damian Milton, challenges the outdated idea that autistic people lack empathy. We do have it, we just don’t always express it in ways neurotypical people are used to. And so the friction ensues. Milton’s theory is when two people with different neurotypes interact, both might struggle to interpret each other’s social signals. This isnt due to a lack of empathy its because they’re using different emotional operating systems. And the result is a state-of-the-art miscommunication, misjudgement, & lots of “Wait… what just happened?”
Examples of the “what just happened?”
The emoji gap
Neurotypical person: “Why did your text sound angry?”
Neurodivergent person: “I just didn’t use emojis. I was being efficient.”
Huh moment: One expects tone signalling through punctuation. The other communicates literally
The literal reply
Neurotypical person: “Hey, how are you?”
Neurodivergent person: “Do you want a real answer or small talk?”
Huh moment: One uses the phrase as a social ritual. The other interprets it as a request for truth
The timing trap
Neurodivergent person: “I responded to your message in my head three days ago.”
Neurotypical person: “So you ghosted me?”
Huh moment: One experiences time and emotional urgency differently. The other interprets delay as disinterest
The over-analysis spiral
Neurodivergent person: “I noticed they used different pronouns this time, and they blinked six times faster, they didn’t take a bite of lunch until 12:38 instead of 12:31, their breathing pattern is all wrong, their hair is parted left not right like normal so I know something’s wrong.”
Neurotypical person: “I didn’t even notice they were upset.”
Huh moment: One reads micro patterns. The other relies on direct signals
The shutdown
Neurodivergent person: “I got overwhelmed and needed space.”
Neurotypical person: “Why are you punishing me?”
Huh moment: One is self-regulating. The other interprets withdrawal as rejection
The feedback loop
Neurotypical person: “Just give your thoughts!”
Neurodivergent person: “I need a structured prompt and time to process.”
Huh moment: One values spontaneity. The other needs clarity to feel safe participating
The masking
Neurodivergent person: acts cheerful to blend in
Neurotypical person: “They’re always fine.”
Huh moment: One is masking. The other takes the mask at face value
What’s the point?
The point isn’t to figure out who’s doing empathy right. It’s to acknowledge that empathy is not a one size fits all skillset. It’s a relationship a fragile bridge between different perspectives, shaped by culture, neurotype, upbringing, & a thousand invisible factors
Empathy is an act of translation
Empathy is not smiling at the right time. It’s not soft lighting and saying I hear you in a low voice. It’s not about absorbing everyone else’s pain until you disintegrate. Real empathy is a mess. It fails. It tries again. It sounds like
- “I don’t totally get it, but I want to.”
- “Can you explain that another way?”
- “Tell me what helps you feel safe to be real.”
If you’re someone who feels too much, or who’s been told you don’t feel enough I want you to know this, you might just be using a different emotional interface. That’s not broken. That’s very human. Sometimes, the most empathetic thing you can say is “I don’t know what you need yet. But I’m here, and I’m learning your language.”
Life hacks from me
Check your emotional state before you respond. If you’ve just come out of a stressful situation (like four back to back calls), you’re more likely to misread even neutral or kindmessages
Your mood can distort how you interpret messages. A well meaning note might feel abrupt or critical because you might be already overwhelmed
Peter the Great (who wasn’t so great). After losing a fleet in a storm, he marched to the shoreline, drew his sword, and attacked the sea. He was furious at something he couldn’t control just like we can be when we react from emotional overwhelm instead of understanding. We fight Neptune, swinging at what confuses or overwhelms us, rather than pausing to ask what’s really going on here?
Most people mean well. Communication is much easier when you stop swinging your swordat waves and instead learn to float with a bit more grace and self compassion
Personal reflection
I feel deeply about this topic because, like Paddington Bear with good intentions, I often findmyself chronically misunderstood. Not just occasionally, not just in meetings but fundamentally, across contexts. And it’s infuriating. Exhausting, even. Getting my diagnosis was less of a revelation and more of a relief. It gave language to something I’d always felt, that I wasn’t failing at connection or an alien. I was just wired for a different kind of it. The kind that notices when someone’s breathing changes. The kind that remembers the exact words someone used three years ago because it was important to someone. The kind that sometimes needs to leave the room not because I don’t care, but because I care too much to stay regulated. I’ve made mistakes too. I’ve assumed people wanted solutions when they just needed presence. I’ve offered sympathy when they needed empathy. I’ve been blunt when subtlety was expected, or masked my emotions when honesty would have served better. So over time, I’ve learned to lean into curiosity. To be done with assumptions. To simply ask.
If you’re neurodivergent or trying to support someone, please know this. The most compassionate thing you can do isn’t to guess what someone is feeling. It’s to ask. Ask before you label someone as cold, aloof, heartless, or rude. Because those labels are often a reflection of misunderstanding, not a lack of care. I learned the difference between sympathy and empathy way too late in life. This reflection & the entire article is my attempt to help others learn sooner and to increase awareness of the many ways people express themselves, especially when they’re wired differently. And to encourage a culture that doesn’t judge someone’s emotional truth just because it looks unfamiliar
We’re all just trying to translate each other. Some of us are working with different dictionaries and that’s okay.